Crashing Over Me

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Life is unpredictable. Sometimes we are laying in the sunshine and sand, content and managing everything super well. But other times we are being rocked and rolled, slamming into the rocks on the sea shore. We are constantly moving with the ebbs and flows of life.

I am the type of person that aims to accomplish. I aim to be successful. I feel great when I am successful. Often times success, to me, looks like handling my responsibilities completely and not feeling overwhelmed by my responsibilities. Which creates problems, since I am also the type of person that loves to accept more responsibilities. I am constantly inviting in more responsibility, making it harder and harder to manage it all, making me feel less and less successful.

When you have the perspective of success directly correlating to responsibility, I think it pushes us to hold onto those responsibilities too tightly. We cling to our responsibilities, fighting to hold onto them in order to prove to ourselves that we are worthy. We are looking for our worth to be proven.

Despite it being natural for me to think that my responsibilities are directly linked to my value, I think my thinking is wrong. I think that the two things are not remotely linked. I think each of us simply have innate value. And I think we are given responsibilities. But I do not think that our value has anything to do with our responsibilities.

What if I don’t hold so tightly to things that encourage the thinking that I must do in order to value myself? What if I accepted my innate right of value and used that to do incredible things?

What if I stopped holding my life tightly within my hands, suffocating each aspect of my life, but instead I keep my hand opened, allowing the ebbs and flows of life.

Tight grips are all about fear, open hands are about expectations. I want to live with more open hands.

This week I am learning, I am choosing, to open my hands in another area of my life. I am choosing that I am worthy, simply because I Am. I am choosing to trust the greater good, instead of my own plans. I am expecting incredible things from my life, not because of what I can do, but because I believe in it. I believe in myself and I believe in my future.

Is anyone else having to learn to let go and surrender? Is anyone else learning to love the ebbs and flows of life? I am…even when the wave crashes hard.

Thank you for reading!

XO,

M

The Never Ending Possibilities

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Recently Christian (the boyfriend) has been talking about wanting to accomplish his goals. He has goals and tasks to accomplish that he has been putting off for, who knows how long. But he has decided to begin to cross those things off the ever-growing list of life’s to-dos. Over the last couple of weeks, I have watched him accomplish these things that he has wanted for so long.

His are as simple as building a pedal board, to as intricate as editing youtube videos, and as deep as beginning to take some online training classes. I have felt really inspired to simply go after those things that I want.

Something I have always wanted to do was create more. So, I am slowly trying to do that. I had a friend get married and so I made her & her husband a gift as opposed to just buying one. I have two big canvases that I am going to cover & repaint this summer, or at least I plan to.

I have been trying to go after new healing with my body and my attire. I have tried new styles and different kinds of outfits. I have sent multiple photos to my stylish little sister asking if I am achieving the trend/style that I am going for. But, despite my lack of confidence, I have done it. I have knotted my hair, my shirts, and bought new pairs of shoes. I have rocked the over-sized graphic tees, but also have tried to find confidence in showing off my shoulders. I plan to make small steps to continue to find creativity within my closet.

I have wanted to solidify relationships. Strengthening the ones that are already blossoming and nurture the ones that are growing. I feel like I am going out to coffee with someone every day, which is exhausting at times. But I am trying to find the balance of connection with others and connection with myself.

I have wanted to fall deep in love with pursuing my spirituality, again. It is something that I have always pursued, even when the fire hasn’t been there…but it hasn’t been something that I am always in love with. I have begun to listen to podcasts, talk about spiritual things with friends, and have begun to mediate (fix my mind) on Love.

If I am being totally honest…another goal/dream I have is to figure out my relationship with food and exercise. I hate having to share that, but it’s true. My relationship with food has been a difficult one. I have learned, over the years, that I am an emotional eater. And I have an irrational fear of moving my body. I have fought for years to grow in my love for myself and my body (learn more about my whole story here!) and I have grown so much in that. But, when I think about my goals I think about how I want to get to a better place with those things. I want to feel good in my skin. I want to strengthen my body. And I want to fuel my body with good things. But, I am scared.

Another wise moment from Christian was when he told me to stop worrying about the what-ifs. I had this overwhelming concern about the working out and the learning to eat well. What if I fail? What if I am doing it for the wrong reasons? What if I mess up?

But, what if I succeed?

I think the point in crossing these things off of our lists is not about accomplishing, but I think it is about trying. It is about trying to go after the things in front of us. The things that have been nagging on us. The things that pull on our hearts.

What if I tried to go after these things? What if I tried to find a healthy balance in my eating and exercise? What if I tried to create more?

The other day I was talking to a friend that was struggling. She is battling an intense war for her hope and she was having a hard day. I sent her a video of me reminding her that the day was almost over and a new day would begin again tomorrow. A new day full of new blessings, new opportunities, and new hope. It was in that moment that I realized that each challenge, every single one, is contained within a single day. Each day we get an opportunity to have a different attitude and perspective.

THAT is our challenge. Our challenge is to just do our best each day. Our challenge is to pursue our lists of goals and dreams each day. It is about making small steps towards crossing those things off. It is not about accomplishing everything.

So, today I created. Today, I ate ice cream. Today, I was happy. Today, I fought against the afternoon grumpiness. Today I did my best.

So, What are you trying in your life? Let me know in the comments below!

XO,

M

A Little Word about Fear (Car accident story)

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So a couple of nights ago I was driving on the highway and it was raining. Rain isn’t very new in Humboldt County (where I live). The rain started to pick up and I started to slow down my speed. I then hit this wall of weather. The weather turned into a hail, snow mixture. I lost traction. I spun and watched as the median wall came at me. It was crazy that I could do nothing but watch as I ran into the median wall. It was terrifying. My sweet boyfriend, Christian, was driving behind me and we were on the phone; he saw the whole thing. We got to a semi-safe place on the road and stopped. The hail kept pounding and the tears were streaming. Christian got out, checked on me and the car, and then talked to me on the phone the whole way home. I made it home safe. Thankfully, I was not hurt and my car was drivable.

(disclaimer: I know that it could have been sooooo much worse and I am not trying to come across as insensitive to someone in a similar situation & it has been so much worse.)

As I drove home that night I was, obviously, a mess and was just trying to wrap my head around the fact that it could have been so much worse. I was this mix of trembling fear and breathtaking thankfulness.

I feel like this experience was a great example of what fear can do.

Driving home after the accident was horrible. I was trembling the entire time, my breathing was sporadic, and the tears never stopped. I got home and lost it. I cried and cried and cried and cried. Christian just kept repeating, “you’re safe. You’re safe. You’re safe.” The days that followed were really robotic. I was in a fog of fear. I tried to avoid driving, making excuses that made sense in my head. And I called my parents. Thankfully, everyone in my life kindly pushed me to get behind the wheel again. I was scared. Fear was overwhelming and it controlled me. But I had a choice: partner with the fear or respond do it in bravery.

Fear is crippling. Fear is controlling. Fear is a monster. You cannot partner with fear. It will ruin your life.

I decided to face the road again & to feel every emotion that came with it. Over the next few days I cried a lot, randomly. Every time I passed the spot it happened, I would hold my breath and then the tears would flow again. Or when I would see the damage done to my car & more tears. Or I would think about how lucky I am to be alive and I would have more emotion. I refused to stuff any of the feelings down and instead, embraced them all. I, also, had to do a lot of positive self-talk as I faced the fears of driving.

I, now, have to deal with the consequences of the situation: decide to file a claim or not,  get the car fixed, get new tires, etc. I have to watch as my bank account gets smaller and smaller. I have to trust in myself and God, that this is going to work out financially. Every time I think about my finances I feel the anxiety rising. But, again, I will respond to this fear instead of sit in it.

I am facing this fear head on. I am exploring my options financially. I am talking to people that know these situations better than me. I am thankful for the money I do have and the money that is headed my way. I am sacrificing my time, energy, and focus in order to connect with peace, bravery, and love.

As I end this post, I don’t know if I have tips for you on facing fear, but! I can provide you with encouragement that you are not alone. Fear is a liar, killer, and thief. Fear is a sticky mess that pops up in the worst times. Fear does not deserve your time and attention. So, as you face fear (no matter how big or how small) know that you aren’t alone in this bravery. I am fighting fear, too. And I believe that with the help of a companion, anything is possible!

One last thing, facing fear does not have to look big like sky diving. Sometimes, it is just getting out of bed in the morning. Or, eating that day. Sometimes facing fear looks like letting the tears flow. So don’t think you have to move a mountain to call yourself brave.

Thanks for reading. I would love to hear how YOU are being brave these days! Comment below!

XO,

M

PS: This wonderful photo was captured by a dear woman in my life : Jess Anne Lehman.