Change

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The past couple blog posts I have been hinting at major life changes. I have been hesitant to share completely what has been going on because, it involved other people that I had yet to talk to. Anyways, it is time to share all that has been going on.

At the beginning of July, I went home to Ohio for a vacation. When I was there I had a beautiful nephew born and I got to spend a lot of time with my adorable nieces. Being surrounded by family really pushed me to reevaluate my life. Since I live over 2,000 miles away from my family, I really want to make sure that I am all in to where I am living and what I am doing.

When I was home, I realized that I wasn’t feeling happy. I have a super blessed life, but my heart wasn’t fully alive. I began to question my college major, my job, my friends, my relationship, everything. I, normally, feel really passionate about life, so there was something that needed reevaluating in my life.

I began doing a lot of research about majors and careers. I, even, looked into going to different universities. I struggled to find a place of peace within a degree. After multiple days, multiple conversations, I found some clarity on the choice of a degree (see this post on how that decision was made). I decided to pursue a degree in sociology.

Once that decision was made, I felt the chaos of reevaluating my life let up a bit. But still, I questioned the other aspects of my life.

When I returned to California, I struggled to reconnect to my life out here. I only felt a lot of anxiety and confusion. I felt alone and scared. I knew that the best way to combat loneliness is to open up. I knew I had to be vulnerable. I opened up to my boyfriend and some of my closest friends. Seeing their instantaneous support blew my mind. I knew I had great friends, but I thought I was being crazy.

I mean, for a long time, working for the church was my dream. I dreamed of having this job, and now I was considering quitting?

My friends and boyfriend were overly supportive of my dreams. They encouraged me to chase after my heart and to pursue things that make me feel alive. So, I took the next step. I talked with my mentor and boss.

I told her how I was feeling. But, I ensured her that I would end my time well and that me leaving would not be sudden.

I had no idea. 

One week later, another one of my bosses pulled me aside and told me that for financial reasons, I might have to be let go.

My mentor/boss and I talked and decided to pray in order to decide if she should fight for my job.

I began talking and asking my support system what to do. Asking if this was all coincidence or what to do. My entire support system agreed that this was not a coincidence. They agreed that this was probably the right step for me.

The next day, I was laid off from my job.

How wild is life?!

So now here I am, mourning the loss of my job.

Yet, embracing the unknown of the future.

This all happened so quickly. I am shocked, thankful, and confused. I do not know why this all happened or why it happened to fast, but I do feel like this is what is best for me.

But now, I am trying to find who Maranda is separate from this job, separate from conventional ministry, separate from this place. Who am I? What am I passionate about? How do I spend my time?

I am in this breathtaking space of rediscovering who I am. Remembering who I am without this place. So, I am taking a step back to decide where I will place my focus.

What are your top priorities in life? What is most important to you? Let me know in the comments!!

XO,

M

Crashing Over Me

Blog Post

Life is unpredictable. Sometimes we are laying in the sunshine and sand, content and managing everything super well. But other times we are being rocked and rolled, slamming into the rocks on the sea shore. We are constantly moving with the ebbs and flows of life.

I am the type of person that aims to accomplish. I aim to be successful. I feel great when I am successful. Often times success, to me, looks like handling my responsibilities completely and not feeling overwhelmed by my responsibilities. Which creates problems, since I am also the type of person that loves to accept more responsibilities. I am constantly inviting in more responsibility, making it harder and harder to manage it all, making me feel less and less successful.

When you have the perspective of success directly correlating to responsibility, I think it pushes us to hold onto those responsibilities too tightly. We cling to our responsibilities, fighting to hold onto them in order to prove to ourselves that we are worthy. We are looking for our worth to be proven.

Despite it being natural for me to think that my responsibilities are directly linked to my value, I think my thinking is wrong. I think that the two things are not remotely linked. I think each of us simply have innate value. And I think we are given responsibilities. But I do not think that our value has anything to do with our responsibilities.

What if I don’t hold so tightly to things that encourage the thinking that I must do in order to value myself? What if I accepted my innate right of value and used that to do incredible things?

What if I stopped holding my life tightly within my hands, suffocating each aspect of my life, but instead I keep my hand opened, allowing the ebbs and flows of life.

Tight grips are all about fear, open hands are about expectations. I want to live with more open hands.

This week I am learning, I am choosing, to open my hands in another area of my life. I am choosing that I am worthy, simply because I Am. I am choosing to trust the greater good, instead of my own plans. I am expecting incredible things from my life, not because of what I can do, but because I believe in it. I believe in myself and I believe in my future.

Is anyone else having to learn to let go and surrender? Is anyone else learning to love the ebbs and flows of life? I am…even when the wave crashes hard.

Thank you for reading!

XO,

M