My Return.

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Hey blog world. Long time no see. In fact, over a year since I last posted on here. The last year has been the busiest year of my life. To name a few reasons why: I finished my bachelors degree, got married, and moved across the country. Looking back, I realized how challenging that all was. It took all of my time and consumed all of my thoughts. Unfortunately, that meant that writing had to take a back burner. If I am honest, though, writing stopped being easy for me before that.

In August 2018, I lost my job as an Administrative Assistant at a church that had rescued me. It was a bit of a mutual decision, and a bit not. During that time at the church, about 13 people stopped working there (again, some were mutual decisions and some were not). Everyone, employee, member, and anyone in-between was reeling from the changes that were at hand. More than that, a person at our church began to express themselves in new ways, which confronted a lot of people with their inner prejudice, judgement, strict opinions, and beliefs about God. The responses of members led to an outbreak of criticism for the church. I knew where I stood on my opinions of both the situations at hand, but I was not certain what posting those opinions online would do for my relationships or reputation. And that hindered what I felt like I could write.

I had always used this space, and my journal, as a place to help me filter through my thoughts and feelings. How was I supposed to do that when my thoughts and feelings directly pointed towards people in my life? How was I supposed to share what I was feeling as I navigated the icky feelings? I didn’t know. So, I let the fear stop me from my writing.

At the same time, I transferred to Humboldt State University to finish my bachelors degree in Sociology. Sociology is the study of society throughout the years and how it operates today. Honestly, it is not a subject for the weak hearted. Learning how society has written off different communities of people for years on end is a hard pill to swallow. My heart and mind became radically awakened by the atrocities of our country.

I know I didn’t go into clear details earlier about the problems within the church, I think that maybe one day I will. But the problems I was experiencing and watching happen within the church were actually perpetuating the atrocities I was learning in school. Which led me to feeling trapped inside the injustice and fearful of opening my voice publicly (or writing my words down into the internet abyss). I stopped writing, but I don’t want to remain done.

Now that I have covered why I stopped writing, I want to talk about why I am returning to writing. Someone I deeply trust told me recently that I am a writer. Instead of doubting them, I simply decided to believe with them. And if it is true that I am a writer, I believe it is my duty to write about the things that matter. Things that matter to me, society, and to Love.

Take this as your warning….

I can promise that my writings will not be perfect. I can promise that my writings will be educated, but that there is always more for me to learn and I can promise there will be plenty that I do not know. I can promise I will say things wrong and mess up. I can promise that I will talk about things that need to be talked about, even if you do not like the topic. I can promise I will try my hardest. I can promise I will lead with love, learn with love, and be corrected through love.

I am scared I will hurt people with my writings, by offending them, by upsetting them, by messing up. But, I feel it is my duty to bring light to the issues at hand, to give insight into what I am learning and feeling, and to spread education to all those that want to learn.

I want to talk about social issues, my own life lessons, and hopefully create a space of love and inspiration for anyone interested. Thank you for joining me on my journey.

XO,

M

A Potential Move

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Christian, the super cute rockstar boyfriend, and I have been talking about Nashville a lot within the last year. The more serious we have gotten as a couple, the more we have talked about where we want to raise a family and where we want to move to next.

Nashville keeps being brought up in both of our lives. For me, it all started over a year ago hearing about an organization that exists in Nashville. When I heard about this organization my heart leaped. It centers around teenage women that need rescuing. From that, I heard about this girl moving from California to Nashville, and followed her journey along the way. I couldn’t get away.

This holiday season I went home to Ohio for a month (more to come soon!!) and Christian came to join for two weeks. With “all this time” on that side of the country, we had to take advantage. (I put quote around “all this time” because we definitely did NOT have a ton of time, even though on paper it seemed like we did).

Despite our long trips, we did not want to take away any time from family time. We began planning a trip to Nashville, Tennessee.

We drove to Nashville early one morning. The drive was magical. There is something special about road trips and open hearts. I am so thankful to have had this drive with my boy. On the drive, our excitement continued to rise to new heights. We tried to talk about what we were looking for in a new hometown. The list was fairly short…

  • People with our style & style inspiration. We wanted to find people that we could fit in with: tattoos + vans. But, we wanted to find people that inspired us in the realm of style.
  • We wanted genuine warmth & friendliness. We wanted to feel warm in the city and friendliness with the people. We did not want the people to be too nice to the point of being fake.
  • We wanted small homey vibes mixed with the risk of a city. We wanted the beautiful vibe of a small-town, but the opportunity of a big city.
  • And the thing we were afraid of was that the city would be too flashy and would be filled with people hiding behind masks.

With our short list, we drove over the hill to see the cityscape of Nashville.

We squealed. Like, legitimately squealed.

We went to this area called The Gulch and got some brunch at a place called Biscuit Love. We were smacked upside the head with the sweetness of the south. A heaping plate of biscuits and gravy, a tall glass of sweet tea, and kindness in the eyes of the people around us. If I am honest, I was hooked from that moment.

After our delicious food, we explored the city. We walked and drove and felt our hearts continue to come alive. We saw the beautiful houses, the shiny lights of downtown, and heard the sounds of the country music. We went downtown, down music row, and explored the hills just outside the city.

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We found our people at a coffee shop called The Frothy Monkey.

After hours of exploring, we went to lunch at a cute little cafe and the headed to our Airbnb.

This Airbnb was THE CUTEST thing I have ever seen. We took a nap. We freshened up. And then we headed back onto the town. Our goal was to go to The Bluebird Cafe, but that was everyone else’s goal, too. The Bluebird is this bar that has reached its height in popularity from the show Nashville, but the cafe got it’s true name from its hidden stage for new songs and it’s safety for the stars. The line was super long and so we didn’t get in, but the history of this cafe as exactly what we were hoping to find in Nashville.

We ended up at a restaurant/bar called The Row. Apparently, this place’s reputation is far less sparkly and cool as The Bluebird Cafe. It was a fairly cheesy place decked out in famous country music starts and a menu filled with BBQ and burgers. We decided to go here because there was supposed to be live music. Unfortunately, we ate dinner in the restaurant and not in the bar with the live music. But, after we finished out food we went to the bar and honestly, were pleasantly surprised. Our hopes were not high about the quality of music, considering how our night was going. But the music was great and seeing the camaraderie between artists, audience, and friends.

The next morning I had the opportunity to meet with my upline at Young Living. We chatted about the business and about making the most of this opportunity. I felt like this coffee date was an incredible representation of what Nashville could offer for us: new opportunities.

We ended the trip with another brunch at a place called Milk & Honey.

We were amazed by the beauty of this city.

It stole our hearts.

I do not know what the future will hold, but I must admit…

Nashville looked good on us.

XO,

M

Owning It

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Making friends is weird.

It isn’t easy finding the balance between being truly me and also wanting to make a good impression. It is such a sticky path. It is twisted and complicated. Being in a new school, knowing absolutely no one, makes finding friends not super easy. The whole process of making friends makes me feel like I am back in elementary school and trying to find people to play with on the playground.

Since being in school, I have made one friend. We have a couple classes together and are pursuing the same major. We were basically destined to be friends. Our friendship went from zero to sixty, real fast. I wasn’t even certain we were friends and then we were spilling our guts.

We quickly began talking about the deeper things about life: heartbreak, family drama, life, death, and everything else in-between.

The other day our class got cancelled so we went out to coffee (what a classic college statement to say). We sat down, a pumpkin latte in hand, and the conversation ebbed and flowed. Back and forth. They shared. I shared. It was an extremely rewarding conversation.

It was at coffee that I began to share my story. Up until this point, they had shared more than I had. Up until this point, I was just Maranda. I wasn’t Maranda The Christian, or Maranda The Ex-pastor, or Maranda The blogger, or even Maranda The Sinner. I was just Maranda. When the questions began, all the details flowed. I shared quite a bit. I definitely shared the parts that make me look waaaay less than impressive.

My new friend responded beautifully. They were kind and understanding. But, I walked away and kind of panicked.

I woke up the following day questioning what the heck I did.

I think I was just smacked with the realization that I have left the comfort of the church community. And now I am trying to navigate what I believe, what I want, and where I am going. Now, I don’t have the safety net of the church. Or the comfortability of church. I am just figuring out where my place is.

I was terrified of what my new friends thoughts would be. Did I share too much? Is my story too different? Will I be accepted? Am I enough to be their friend?

I reached out to some of my superhero girl gang & told them I was spazzing. They responded with reminding me to own my story.

My story matters. Period.

It doesn’t matter what I did seven years ago.

It doesn’t matter what I haven’t done.

I have a really beautiful heart that deserves to be trusted, honored, and celebrated.

I deserve to be surrounded by people that remind me that my story is valuable.

It’s so funny, because my new friend was really understanding of my story, but MY insecurity got involved. Owning my story is just another layer, a deeper level, of self love. More acceptance.

So, in this journey of making friends…I’ve decided to become my own friend.

Just like I am accepting of the new people I meet, I will be accepting of my story. I will extend kindness and grace and understanding to myself. I will trust the beauty I bring into friendships. I will celebrate who I am become through every season of my story.

Why does it seem so complicated to accept and befriend oneself. The reality is, you deserve friendship. You deserve respect and honor. You deserve to extend friendship to yourself. So, regardless of your story…own it. Rock it. And don’t doubt the fire within you.

XO,

M

Change

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The past couple blog posts I have been hinting at major life changes. I have been hesitant to share completely what has been going on because, it involved other people that I had yet to talk to. Anyways, it is time to share all that has been going on.

At the beginning of July, I went home to Ohio for a vacation. When I was there I had a beautiful nephew born and I got to spend a lot of time with my adorable nieces. Being surrounded by family really pushed me to reevaluate my life. Since I live over 2,000 miles away from my family, I really want to make sure that I am all in to where I am living and what I am doing.

When I was home, I realized that I wasn’t feeling happy. I have a super blessed life, but my heart wasn’t fully alive. I began to question my college major, my job, my friends, my relationship, everything. I, normally, feel really passionate about life, so there was something that needed reevaluating in my life.

I began doing a lot of research about majors and careers. I, even, looked into going to different universities. I struggled to find a place of peace within a degree. After multiple days, multiple conversations, I found some clarity on the choice of a degree (see this post on how that decision was made). I decided to pursue a degree in sociology.

Once that decision was made, I felt the chaos of reevaluating my life let up a bit. But still, I questioned the other aspects of my life.

When I returned to California, I struggled to reconnect to my life out here. I only felt a lot of anxiety and confusion. I felt alone and scared. I knew that the best way to combat loneliness is to open up. I knew I had to be vulnerable. I opened up to my boyfriend and some of my closest friends. Seeing their instantaneous support blew my mind. I knew I had great friends, but I thought I was being crazy.

I mean, for a long time, working for the church was my dream. I dreamed of having this job, and now I was considering quitting?

My friends and boyfriend were overly supportive of my dreams. They encouraged me to chase after my heart and to pursue things that make me feel alive. So, I took the next step. I talked with my mentor and boss.

I told her how I was feeling. But, I ensured her that I would end my time well and that me leaving would not be sudden.

I had no idea. 

One week later, another one of my bosses pulled me aside and told me that for financial reasons, I might have to be let go.

My mentor/boss and I talked and decided to pray in order to decide if she should fight for my job.

I began talking and asking my support system what to do. Asking if this was all coincidence or what to do. My entire support system agreed that this was not a coincidence. They agreed that this was probably the right step for me.

The next day, I was laid off from my job.

How wild is life?!

So now here I am, mourning the loss of my job.

Yet, embracing the unknown of the future.

This all happened so quickly. I am shocked, thankful, and confused. I do not know why this all happened or why it happened to fast, but I do feel like this is what is best for me.

But now, I am trying to find who Maranda is separate from this job, separate from conventional ministry, separate from this place. Who am I? What am I passionate about? How do I spend my time?

I am in this breathtaking space of rediscovering who I am. Remembering who I am without this place. So, I am taking a step back to decide where I will place my focus.

What are your top priorities in life? What is most important to you? Let me know in the comments!!

XO,

M

Crashing Over Me

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Life is unpredictable. Sometimes we are laying in the sunshine and sand, content and managing everything super well. But other times we are being rocked and rolled, slamming into the rocks on the sea shore. We are constantly moving with the ebbs and flows of life.

I am the type of person that aims to accomplish. I aim to be successful. I feel great when I am successful. Often times success, to me, looks like handling my responsibilities completely and not feeling overwhelmed by my responsibilities. Which creates problems, since I am also the type of person that loves to accept more responsibilities. I am constantly inviting in more responsibility, making it harder and harder to manage it all, making me feel less and less successful.

When you have the perspective of success directly correlating to responsibility, I think it pushes us to hold onto those responsibilities too tightly. We cling to our responsibilities, fighting to hold onto them in order to prove to ourselves that we are worthy. We are looking for our worth to be proven.

Despite it being natural for me to think that my responsibilities are directly linked to my value, I think my thinking is wrong. I think that the two things are not remotely linked. I think each of us simply have innate value. And I think we are given responsibilities. But I do not think that our value has anything to do with our responsibilities.

What if I don’t hold so tightly to things that encourage the thinking that I must do in order to value myself? What if I accepted my innate right of value and used that to do incredible things?

What if I stopped holding my life tightly within my hands, suffocating each aspect of my life, but instead I keep my hand opened, allowing the ebbs and flows of life.

Tight grips are all about fear, open hands are about expectations. I want to live with more open hands.

This week I am learning, I am choosing, to open my hands in another area of my life. I am choosing that I am worthy, simply because I Am. I am choosing to trust the greater good, instead of my own plans. I am expecting incredible things from my life, not because of what I can do, but because I believe in it. I believe in myself and I believe in my future.

Is anyone else having to learn to let go and surrender? Is anyone else learning to love the ebbs and flows of life? I am…even when the wave crashes hard.

Thank you for reading!

XO,

M

Out of the Nest

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Remember last week when I wrote about how my life was turning upside down and I was being totally introspective? Well, things have continued that way this past week. I have been caught in the ebbs and flows of major life decisions.

I am so thankful for people, friends & family, that are supportive of my life. That truly want the best for me. This week, I was amazed by the support I have been given. Despite the support, the decisions I make are simply on me. They are up to me to decide.

Friends, relationships, are such a quirky topic. Friends add an incredible brilliance to one’s life, but they can also totally rain on everything.

Growing up I struggled with friends. I had a few, but not many stuck around for long. I think people liked me, but I only had a few people that I could truly call “friend”. After high school, I moved to California, I had better luck with friends…as in, I had more friends than before. But, again, they didn’t necessarily stay.

As life has continued, I have found that true friends show themselves in simple ways. They let you borrow their bathtub and text you everyday when your nephew is sick and they let you say selfish, mean things without thinking that you are selfish and mean. Friends stick with you, even when you act like an ass. Friends remind you of who you are. Friends support your wild, crazy, and maybe a little irrational dreams.

This week I got to talk with some of my best friends this week. I let them in to this process that I have been in…the decisions I am considering and reconsidering. I told them about my dreams that seem foolish. The ones that seem dumb to even consider. and get this…

they didn’t laugh at me.

or judge me.

or question my sanity…

they believed in me.

They supported my wild ideas and agreed with my crazy thinking.

I am so blessed to have friends like this. I realized that good friends push you out of the nest. Ya know how birds learn to fly? They get pushed out of the nest. One day at a time, my friends are teaching me to fly. They are refusing to let me stay within the safety of my nest…but instead, I am learning to spread my shaky wings and soar.

I want to be a friend like that.

Let me know how your friends have pushed you out of your nest of safety in the comments below! Thanks for reading!

XO,

M

What to do: Life Crisis

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Ya know those moments, in life, where you feel like you are reconsidering everything? Those moments where you are reevaluating who you are, what you’re doing, how you’re going to accomplish life, why are you doing what you’re currently doing? Welcome to my last two weeks…

I have been back in Cincinnati, Ohio (where I am from & where my immediate family is) for the last two weeks. Each time I come home, I feel as though I can finally exhale. I feel like I can take a pause on my “real” life in order to find peace again or explore my options. This trip home, though, there has been no rock unturned.

I have been evaluating my job, my education, my relationships, my future, my dreams, my 5 year plan, my personal identity, and more.

Do I want to keep working at my job? Do I want to change my major? What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Who do I want to be? Do I like where I live? Are my friends adding positive things to my life? Am I sure? Am I sure? Am I sure? Am I sure?

There has been a lot of self-doubt. There has been a lot of questions. There has been a lot of emotions. It has, honestly, been a really taxing experience.

I have discovered that I am at a fork in the road.

I have every possible choice within my grasp and I simply get to choose what I want.

As someone who prides herself on her core value’s about self-love, self-connectedness, and listening to one’s heart…you would think that the answer of what do I want would come easy to me. Wrong.

I have had to fight for the last two weeks to distinguish what my heart is saying. It was easy to hear the voices of my parents, or my bosses, or the self-critic. But it wasn’t easy to hear my quiet and insecure voice.

Have you ever been at this spot? This confused, clueless, and seemingly helpless spot? (I know that I am not alone!) Well, I am sharing all this for Y O U ! (and for me the next time I get to this place)

What to do when You’re Clueless AF?

Step One: Journal

Journal out all of your thoughts, feelings, concerns, etc. Write out (personally I recommend by hand…because it forces you to really look at your thoughts) all the mumbo-jumbo floating through your brain. GET. IT. ALL. OUT. Even the ugly stuff, or the silly stuff, or the seemingly unimportant stuff…write it all down.

 

Step Two: The Goal of Identity

Who are you? Who is it that you want to be? When you imagine your future, what kind of human are you? Write it down. This is the first puzzle piece of your answers.

Who you want to be is the goal for your character. It is the vision board of where you want to head.

 

Step Three: The Results are in

Take some personality tests. The reason I love personality tests so much is because they give words to things you’ve thought or felt that you might not have had language for. For example… I took the Strength Finders test and discovered that one of my top 5 strengths is Connectedness. This means that I believe there are links between all things in life and that everything has a reason. Knowing this about myself explains so much to me. It shows me that believing in connections isn’t an odd thing I do, but it is part of who I am and it is part of what I bring to the table. This test helped me learn a bit more about myself!

Myers Briggs: This test is incredible because it not only tells you about your personality, but it also tells you how you act in friendships, romantic relationships, work, and which careers would be good for you.

Enneagram: This test was interesting because I discovered that I am a Type 1. Type 1’s are called “The Reformers.” They are fixated on perfection, responsibility, and are constantly looking for improvement. These results are totally me, but I had a hard time hearing that. The qualities that I shared (perfectionist, high responsibility, and are constantly looking for improvement) are qualities that I have always resented in myself. I don’t like that I am constantly trying to look for improvement in myself or others. I don’t like that I am always striving for perfection. Despite the difficulty of accepting this personality type, I have taken these results are a positive thing within my life. Knowing this is the type of person I am, allows me to own it more and allows me to give grace to myself when those aspects of who I am rise up.

 

Step Four: Pros VS. Cons

I know this advice is a little overused, but it is honestly so helpful. Make a pros and cons list. Simplify the positives and negatives to each decision and organize then. Making a pros and cons list has helped me recognize what is important to me and what isn’t important. The list does not have to be long, just a few short things to help you see the decision for what it is.

I did this in trying to decide which degree I should pursue. Until I made the list, I had so many positive and negative thoughts about every possible major, but making the list allowed me to actually see the positives and negatives.

 

Step Five: Moments of Peace

My last little piece of advice would be to find your place of peace. It might be late in the night, or early in the morning. Maybe it is in the chaos of a city street or maybe it is within a coffee shop’s four walls. Whatever that place is, it is the place where your thoughts seem clear.

For me, it is the morning time. Just me & a cup of coffee.

When you get to your place of peace…it isn’t time to over think but it is a time to expect the best…to expect answers.

 

Step Six: Repeat Steps 1-5 as many times as necessary

 

As someone that is still very much within these steps… I’ll keep y’all updated on more things and keys that help me. But, I think I have gotten over the hump of the chaos. Sometimes life can be so difficult. But, it is encouraging knowing I am not alone.

Let me know your tips and tricks for making major life choices and for reevaluating your life!

Thanks for reading!

XO,

M

The Never Ending Possibilities

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Recently Christian (the boyfriend) has been talking about wanting to accomplish his goals. He has goals and tasks to accomplish that he has been putting off for, who knows how long. But he has decided to begin to cross those things off the ever-growing list of life’s to-dos. Over the last couple of weeks, I have watched him accomplish these things that he has wanted for so long.

His are as simple as building a pedal board, to as intricate as editing youtube videos, and as deep as beginning to take some online training classes. I have felt really inspired to simply go after those things that I want.

Something I have always wanted to do was create more. So, I am slowly trying to do that. I had a friend get married and so I made her & her husband a gift as opposed to just buying one. I have two big canvases that I am going to cover & repaint this summer, or at least I plan to.

I have been trying to go after new healing with my body and my attire. I have tried new styles and different kinds of outfits. I have sent multiple photos to my stylish little sister asking if I am achieving the trend/style that I am going for. But, despite my lack of confidence, I have done it. I have knotted my hair, my shirts, and bought new pairs of shoes. I have rocked the over-sized graphic tees, but also have tried to find confidence in showing off my shoulders. I plan to make small steps to continue to find creativity within my closet.

I have wanted to solidify relationships. Strengthening the ones that are already blossoming and nurture the ones that are growing. I feel like I am going out to coffee with someone every day, which is exhausting at times. But I am trying to find the balance of connection with others and connection with myself.

I have wanted to fall deep in love with pursuing my spirituality, again. It is something that I have always pursued, even when the fire hasn’t been there…but it hasn’t been something that I am always in love with. I have begun to listen to podcasts, talk about spiritual things with friends, and have begun to mediate (fix my mind) on Love.

If I am being totally honest…another goal/dream I have is to figure out my relationship with food and exercise. I hate having to share that, but it’s true. My relationship with food has been a difficult one. I have learned, over the years, that I am an emotional eater. And I have an irrational fear of moving my body. I have fought for years to grow in my love for myself and my body (learn more about my whole story here!) and I have grown so much in that. But, when I think about my goals I think about how I want to get to a better place with those things. I want to feel good in my skin. I want to strengthen my body. And I want to fuel my body with good things. But, I am scared.

Another wise moment from Christian was when he told me to stop worrying about the what-ifs. I had this overwhelming concern about the working out and the learning to eat well. What if I fail? What if I am doing it for the wrong reasons? What if I mess up?

But, what if I succeed?

I think the point in crossing these things off of our lists is not about accomplishing, but I think it is about trying. It is about trying to go after the things in front of us. The things that have been nagging on us. The things that pull on our hearts.

What if I tried to go after these things? What if I tried to find a healthy balance in my eating and exercise? What if I tried to create more?

The other day I was talking to a friend that was struggling. She is battling an intense war for her hope and she was having a hard day. I sent her a video of me reminding her that the day was almost over and a new day would begin again tomorrow. A new day full of new blessings, new opportunities, and new hope. It was in that moment that I realized that each challenge, every single one, is contained within a single day. Each day we get an opportunity to have a different attitude and perspective.

THAT is our challenge. Our challenge is to just do our best each day. Our challenge is to pursue our lists of goals and dreams each day. It is about making small steps towards crossing those things off. It is not about accomplishing everything.

So, today I created. Today, I ate ice cream. Today, I was happy. Today, I fought against the afternoon grumpiness. Today I did my best.

So, What are you trying in your life? Let me know in the comments below!

XO,

M

Peeing on My Life

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So last week I came home to find my precious dog covered in pee. I had crated her up (we are working on crate training) and she apparently had an accident. The pee was everywhere. She got excited when she saw me and began to jump around. As she jumped, she splashed the urine all around. She smelled horrible. There was pee all around her crate. I didn’t have any other option but to scoop her up (getting pee on myself), bathe her clean (getting myself covered in water), and clean up the mess.

It was a disaster.

The sweet girl didn’t mean to make a mess. She was doing the best that she could. Unfortunately, despite her attempts, she made a mess. A big one.

It got me thinking. How many areas in my life am I peeing all over? How many areas am I splashing my urine on? Am I covered in my own, self-inflicted punishment?

It made me think about how I overthink my abilities and stress myself out. I have a tendency to think myself into a rut of sorts.

This whole situation is a great example. When I found Daphne (the dog) had used the bathroom in the crate, I felt TERRIBLE. I felt so bad and felt like a failure of a dog mom. I kept focusing on how much of a failure I am. I thought myself into a rut of disappointment. I peed all over my dog-mom abilities. And was in that rut for days.

I, far too often, get wrapped up in my thoughts and my opinions of something that I miss the actual success of the situation. What a smelly reality.

Another area of my life I have peed upon is my eating habits. A couple months ago I was vegan (for about 5 or 6 months) and ever since I stopped, I haven’t been content with my eating. I have struggled to figure out a good rhythm to my eating. And because of my lack of rhythm, I have just continued to throw guilt upon myself for my eating. I have just been peeing on myself.

And there are definitely so many other areas that I have been peeing upon myself. I have been spoiling my own life.

Basically what I mean is ruining my own life because of my own expectation or what I think I should do.

What a terrible life to live being constantly squashed by your own expectation.

I hate that. I keep trying to measure up to this unrealistic, self-inflicted, standard that I can’t.

I need to just be.

This cycle can end.

Have you been peeing on your own life? Have you been ruining things despite your best efforts? Let me know in the comments below…we have to unite in these moments! (:

XO,

M

(PS: Photo cred to my girl Annika Botha. Check her out!)

Dennis

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Hello beautiful readers,

How are you? How are you really? (Let me know in the comments below!).

I know that this blog post is multiple days late and I am so sorry for that but I have an explanation. My blog posts go up at sometime on Wednesdays, that is something I have tried really hard to stick with. But this Wednesday my church family got some devastating news.

A person that has been in our environment for two years went missing on Thursday. On Monday afternoon a suicide note was found. And on Wednesday, the search team found his body.

To say that this family is devastated is an understatement.

His name was Dennis. He was a sweet man that was super creative, a good friend, and a fighter.

I didn’t know him well, but I am still devastated at his loss. I didn’t know how to post a casual blog post on a day with such a loss. It didn’t feel right. And since then, I have questioned how to post about Dennis.

Loss is not something most people are okay with, and when it is the loss of a life…it is much harder. It is sad to never see that person smile again, or hear their laugh. It is sad to know they are no longer here on earth. But, there is also a great beauty in celebrating a life.

I think that each life has a calling to inspire, encourage, and push people to greatness. Dennis has done that, even after his passing. I have heard sooo many people talk of the inspiration that Dennis has left them with.

I want to listen more.

I want to judge less and accept more.

I want to listen to my internal voice more.

I think that each person that has interacted with Dennis is currently reflecting back on all the inspiration he brought to their life and it has been an honor to watch people grow from the man that Dennis was. Although, we all wish he was still here with us.

I wanted to write this post not only to remember Dennis, but also to talk about suicide. Suicide is no joke. If you (or someone you know) has suicidal thoughts…ask for help. I know that it might seem scary, but it is a fear worthy of facing.

You deserve life, so I challenge you to fight for it. Even if it doesn’t seem worth it…get help. Regardless of who it is from, get help. (Here is a great resource!)

I promise, things get better. Regardless of what you’re facing…there is hope and breakthrough can be yours.

(I am aware that this post does not solve your problem. but I want you to know that there is hope)

Let me know how YOU are really doing in the comments below. And thanks for hanging with me, despite my delayed post. I love y’all.

XO,

M