My Return.

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Hey blog world. Long time no see. In fact, over a year since I last posted on here. The last year has been the busiest year of my life. To name a few reasons why: I finished my bachelors degree, got married, and moved across the country. Looking back, I realized how challenging that all was. It took all of my time and consumed all of my thoughts. Unfortunately, that meant that writing had to take a back burner. If I am honest, though, writing stopped being easy for me before that.

In August 2018, I lost my job as an Administrative Assistant at a church that had rescued me. It was a bit of a mutual decision, and a bit not. During that time at the church, about 13 people stopped working there (again, some were mutual decisions and some were not). Everyone, employee, member, and anyone in-between was reeling from the changes that were at hand. More than that, a person at our church began to express themselves in new ways, which confronted a lot of people with their inner prejudice, judgement, strict opinions, and beliefs about God. The responses of members led to an outbreak of criticism for the church. I knew where I stood on my opinions of both the situations at hand, but I was not certain what posting those opinions online would do for my relationships or reputation. And that hindered what I felt like I could write.

I had always used this space, and my journal, as a place to help me filter through my thoughts and feelings. How was I supposed to do that when my thoughts and feelings directly pointed towards people in my life? How was I supposed to share what I was feeling as I navigated the icky feelings? I didn’t know. So, I let the fear stop me from my writing.

At the same time, I transferred to Humboldt State University to finish my bachelors degree in Sociology. Sociology is the study of society throughout the years and how it operates today. Honestly, it is not a subject for the weak hearted. Learning how society has written off different communities of people for years on end is a hard pill to swallow. My heart and mind became radically awakened by the atrocities of our country.

I know I didn’t go into clear details earlier about the problems within the church, I think that maybe one day I will. But the problems I was experiencing and watching happen within the church were actually perpetuating the atrocities I was learning in school. Which led me to feeling trapped inside the injustice and fearful of opening my voice publicly (or writing my words down into the internet abyss). I stopped writing, but I don’t want to remain done.

Now that I have covered why I stopped writing, I want to talk about why I am returning to writing. Someone I deeply trust told me recently that I am a writer. Instead of doubting them, I simply decided to believe with them. And if it is true that I am a writer, I believe it is my duty to write about the things that matter. Things that matter to me, society, and to Love.

Take this as your warning….

I can promise that my writings will not be perfect. I can promise that my writings will be educated, but that there is always more for me to learn and I can promise there will be plenty that I do not know. I can promise I will say things wrong and mess up. I can promise that I will talk about things that need to be talked about, even if you do not like the topic. I can promise I will try my hardest. I can promise I will lead with love, learn with love, and be corrected through love.

I am scared I will hurt people with my writings, by offending them, by upsetting them, by messing up. But, I feel it is my duty to bring light to the issues at hand, to give insight into what I am learning and feeling, and to spread education to all those that want to learn.

I want to talk about social issues, my own life lessons, and hopefully create a space of love and inspiration for anyone interested. Thank you for joining me on my journey.

XO,

M

A Momentary Hesitation

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One thing I know to be true about myself, is that I long to create waves. Creating waves in peoples thoughts, lives, or the societal systems. But, I have always had this internal battle of wanting to make waves, but not wanting to be an inconvenience.

I was so afraid of inconveniencing people that I began to quiet my inner voice that challenged me to splash in the oceans of life. I became a follower. I went with the flow. I stopped questioning things.

A few months ago, some things happened in my life that began to open me up to new concepts. It began to tug on my mind, reminding me of how wildly I used to think out of the box.

The other day I was talking to a dear friend. He had no idea the season I have been in but he told me that he believed that asking questions was one of the best ways for humans to love themselves.

Since he said that to me, I have realized my questions have majorly increased. That statement opened me up to ask the tough questions. I am questioning why I believe the things I believe. I am questioning what I think is best for me. I am questioning how I want to exist in this world. It is a journey that feels scary, wild, and a bit lonely.

Yesterday I was given the sweetest gift. It was a bag full of positive, inspiring, and timely things, along with a note that gave me the words to describe my season: a pause.
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A momentary hesitation.

The path that I am walking of true discovery is completely worth it. I am so proud of myself for being brave enough to begin to ask questions. But in this process I have had a momentary hesitation.

A momentary hesitation to examine each element of my life.

A momentary hesitation to rediscover my beliefs.

A momentary hesitation to be confident in my conclusions.

I have taken a moment to slow down enough to ask. To take the time necessary to reeeally ask myself what I think about things.

I restarted the book You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. She says, “All this to say that its not your fault you’re fucked up. It’s your fault if you stay fucked up…” I was moved.

It isn’t my fault that others think a certain way. It isn’t my fault that I naturally am inclined to specific beliefs. But, it is my responsibility to decide what I want to think.  It is my responsibility to look at the details of my life and ask the questions. It is my responsibility to feel fully confident in each and every aspect of my life.

I get to be powerfully and completely in control of how I will manage my life.

I challenge you to ask the tough questions that are needed for your life, your situation, and your discovery.

Ask.

Even if its scary.

Even if your voice shakes.

Ask the questions.

 

XO,

M

PS: What questions are YOU asking? Let me know in the comments. Also, did you know you can subscribe to my blog? If you subscribe then each new blog post will be sent directly to your email.

Out of the Nest

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Remember last week when I wrote about how my life was turning upside down and I was being totally introspective? Well, things have continued that way this past week. I have been caught in the ebbs and flows of major life decisions.

I am so thankful for people, friends & family, that are supportive of my life. That truly want the best for me. This week, I was amazed by the support I have been given. Despite the support, the decisions I make are simply on me. They are up to me to decide.

Friends, relationships, are such a quirky topic. Friends add an incredible brilliance to one’s life, but they can also totally rain on everything.

Growing up I struggled with friends. I had a few, but not many stuck around for long. I think people liked me, but I only had a few people that I could truly call “friend”. After high school, I moved to California, I had better luck with friends…as in, I had more friends than before. But, again, they didn’t necessarily stay.

As life has continued, I have found that true friends show themselves in simple ways. They let you borrow their bathtub and text you everyday when your nephew is sick and they let you say selfish, mean things without thinking that you are selfish and mean. Friends stick with you, even when you act like an ass. Friends remind you of who you are. Friends support your wild, crazy, and maybe a little irrational dreams.

This week I got to talk with some of my best friends this week. I let them in to this process that I have been in…the decisions I am considering and reconsidering. I told them about my dreams that seem foolish. The ones that seem dumb to even consider. and get this…

they didn’t laugh at me.

or judge me.

or question my sanity…

they believed in me.

They supported my wild ideas and agreed with my crazy thinking.

I am so blessed to have friends like this. I realized that good friends push you out of the nest. Ya know how birds learn to fly? They get pushed out of the nest. One day at a time, my friends are teaching me to fly. They are refusing to let me stay within the safety of my nest…but instead, I am learning to spread my shaky wings and soar.

I want to be a friend like that.

Let me know how your friends have pushed you out of your nest of safety in the comments below! Thanks for reading!

XO,

M